Don’t fear fears.

Being afraid sometimes is a normal, healthy part of growing up, and while kids do unfortunately face things that are truly frightening, most of our childhood fears don’t represent actual threats. 

The bang of loud thunder, the monster under the bed, or a dog that comes too close. 

As parents, we want to comfort our children and make them feel better. But how do we help kids feel braver and grow more confident in facing their fears?

This touches on another aspect of self-regulation, which you can read more on in this article. 

The scenario: an example of fear in action

Imagine it’s bedtime.

“It’s time for bed!” 

“Ok, I need a glass of water!”

“Can I have five more minutes?”

Any way possible to delay going to bed alone and facing the dreaded monster under the bed!

Finally, jammies are on, teeth are brushed, and everyone is all tucked up in bed. 

They then run to your bedroom, upset about being in the dark and worrying about the monster under the bed. 

Your instant reaction is to say, “There’s nothing under the bed, I promise!”

But realistically, you can’t always be there to calm your child down, as they get older.

If you’re always there to provide comfort, there’s no incentive to learn how to regulate that emotion of fear. 

If you’re looking for ways to support your child in overcoming fears and building confidence, Mind Marvels can help! Our sessions are designed to guide children in managing their emotions and developing healthy coping skills.

How to help children face their fears

This doesn’t mean you put your child to bed, turn out the light, close the door and let them get on with it by telling them to be brave!

Kids need gentle guidance until they’re ready to face their fears fully. Therefore, it becomes a balance between helping them and not helping too much. 

• Talking about their fears

It’s helpful to start conversations with children to find out what things frighten them. They might not always have the words to explain why they fear something so asking specific questions can help.

Another common fear in kids is a fear of dogs. In this scenario you can ask, “what makes dogs scary?” or “did a dog jump on you or make you fall?” and hopefully once you know more about their fear you can help them get over it. 

Fears can be so many different things from going to the doctors, to heights to unfamiliar or loud noises. 

• Validate their fears, then move on

Once you’ve talked about a specific fear, it’s quite likely that as adults we won’t find it such a scary thing, but the most important thing we can do at this stage is to validate a child’s fear. 

Avoid saying, ‘that’s not scary’ or ‘what are you afraid of?’ and instead say, ‘that sounds like you were really scared’ and ‘I know lots of kids are scared of that’. 

Don’t dwell on giving comfort, use this as an opportunity to make a plan and tell them how you’ll work together to start feeling braver. 

• Make a plan to face their fears

Work with your child to set small, achievable goals. For instance, if they usually need you to stay with them until they fall asleep, agree on a goal, like having them fall asleep on their own by the end of the week. Discuss the steps you’ll take together and approach it with patience.

A gradual plan might look like this: On the first night, read two books, turn off the lights, and sit quietly with them until they fall asleep. The next night, read one book, leave the door cracked, and stay just outside the room. Over the next few nights, slowly reduce your presence until they are comfortable falling asleep on their own.

• Offer encouragement and be patient

This behaviour change will take time, so being patient and offering encouragement is vital to learning to face fears. 

Stay consistent in your praise and recognise their hard work, “I thought it was really brave of you to stay in your room for twenty minutes. Let’s see if we can go longer tomorrow!”

Even if they’re unsure of themselves, let kids know you think they can face their fears to help them feel more confident. 

Also, remember that younger children may need lots of tries before something really sticks! 

Not all fears are created equal

Sometimes, fears are pretty legitimate. Like a scary film! It’s ok to let your child have their limits. “I don’t want to do this” is acceptable and it’s important to gauge our limitations and have that self-advocacy. 

Intense and persistent fears that impact daily life are less ok. 

In this case, if it’s causing panic attacks, compulsive or disruptive behaviour, then that’s when it may be good to talk with a professional. 

But we can help build bravery through self-regulation for everyday garden-variety fears. By talking, validating fears, making a plan together, and offering encouragement and patience, we can help kids overcome those daily fears and become more confident. Read more about our community sessions here.